Parenting Fact: I am not my mother

Parenting Fact: I am not my mother

In my memory I rarely can recall a time when my mother lost it. In fact after in light of my morning (you will soon learn of) I was trying to think of examples.

I came up with one.

My brother and I asked my mom not to sing so loud in church--and that hurt her feelings, so she took us home and we bolted from the car and she chased after us and as we ran down the hall a conservative high heel came flinging after us--nailing my brother square in the back.

That is all I have, and I hold on to that memory with both hands to prove that--even the calmest most patient of mothers CRACK.

Now, I already mentioned, I am not my mother. And although no shoes were flying at my house this morning. I CRACKED.

Most people would describe me as laid back and chill. But here is an insight I have found true with myself and my other friends whom I would describe as "laid back" or "chill". We snap. And when we do--duck and cover.

I think it is possible that every parent has a child that . . . well . . . makes them . . . crazy. My other three kids combined don't make me CRACK like this kid does. Ironically enough she is also the one that is the biggest party, first to laugh--and the most quick witted. I guess that isn't Ironic--it's telling.

This morning. She did it. I lost it. And it was her, of course, that I lost it on.

I'll spare you the details but it involved her whining, trying to distract me with conversation so that I wouldn't notice her not working, hiding under her covers, disappearing and not answering to my calls, grabbing some clothes and marching out of her room and flinging on the floor and running, hiding in the suburban in the garage. Oh--all while fake crying (with actual tears--she's nailed that) and mumbling words like "little kids" " so unfair" "why me".

We barely made it to school on time. The only reason it ended is that I told her that she didn't have to finish what I had asked her to do. Yep you heard me. I wasn't about to keep going on like this.

Her consequence for not doing it--I am taking away all of her clothes for the week and I will be choosing her outfits. That got a big "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" from her. Not a sassy no, but an oh please no. She frantically started picking up clothes and I informed her it was too late. OH, and you're banished from TV for the rest of the week.

So the sobbing continued. As I pulled up to the school she asked if she could stay in the car for a while and compose herself before getting out. Wrong time to ask missy. The last thing I am going to do right now is let you sit in the car with me so you can recover from your fake cry. "NO. Get out"

"You're SO mean!!" is the last thing I heard as she walked away with her backpack.

As I drove away I felt awful. I felt a bit heartless. Mostly for the part that I didn't tell you about, which was when I drug her from the garage to her room and tossed her in and told her to clean it or else.

But like I said, I am not my mother.

When days start out like that I am amazed that one kid has so much ability to make me CRACK over something like cleaning the clothes up off her floor.

So I get home after dropping her off and I am so riled up I don't want to start doing all of my chores. So I plop down on my computer chair and start reading email and checking other sights, and then I think that Pinterest might clear my mind so I start perusing.

I see a pin by one of my friends that said something like: "How to connect on the most difficult days" Bingo. this is it. The wisdom I need right now. I go on to read the article which offers me nothing. One tip was to walk away when you get angry. Too late. I didn't walk away. And does anyone? Not helpful. So I came up with my own parenting tips for days like this:

My parenting tips for when your kid makes you CRACK:

#1 Go Ape Shit on them. If you aren't familiar with this term--it's when you crack and go crazy. Do irrational things like take away their clothes for a week. Often threaten things that later you will regret when you realize it will be more of a punishment for yourself by having to administer your threat. Raise your voice. Dig your fingers into their arm, drag them with their toes barely touching to their room. Growl.

#2 Stand back and marvel at the miracle that it takes only one child and probably only about a few minutes to wipe out an entirely inspirational Sabbath that you had the day before. Thus resulting in your unashamed use of the word "Ape Shit."

#3 Throw something. Punch Something. OR Break Something. I suggest you don't do something that requires housework on your part, or something you might regret later. Pick a toy of your child's that you want to get rid of, but you feel bad every time you try to get rid of it. That is pretty satisfying. Or an egg--smash it in your sink, it feels good and you just rinse it down the garbage disposal. Or Spaghetti noodles. Empty the whole box into your hands and break it in two. It feels good--and you are one step ahead for dinner.

#4 Make a goal to enjoy the punishment you decided on. Consider making really odd and silly outfits for the child to have to wear in public. (HMMM--CAN they wear their underwear outside of their pants? Is that against dress code?) Warning: may result in more fake crying.

#5 Make whatever you want for breakfast. Previous behavior may have had something to do with your propensity to get low blood sugar. And if you happen to flip your egg over in the pan and the yolk breaks, just get slightly pissed and chop it into little tiny pieces with the spatula--TAKE THAT STUPID EGG!. Fry yourself another egg.

#6 Make some hot chocolate and sit down at your computer and write a blog post of Parenting Tips. *consider expanding it into a Book of Parenting Tips

#6. Feel much. MUCH. Better