Letters in my head

These are the letters I wrote in my head while on the stationery cycle at the gym watching the Today Show.


Dear John Edwards,

You continued your bid for the presidency when you KNEW you fathered an illegitimate daughter? Did you honestly think that in this day and time of media that no one would EVER find out? And then as President, what would you have done when the ball dropped? And your wife was sick with Cancer. You are despicable and should be castrated.

xoxo Disgusted Woman/American Citizen




Dear Teenage Girl in Haiti who got rescued 15 days later,

Thanks for sticking through and holding on despite despair. This world needs some hope and strength and you showed us a thing or two.

xoxo Grateful Human Being



Dear Elin Woods,

You are nice to help your husband with his "addiction". But just know--you don't have to do it as his wife.

xoxo Woman who wants you to show that it is NOT ok for men to treat women like that



Dear President Obama,

I think you are an excellent orator and that you have amazing speech writers. They should get a raise. I also think that you will be a very quoted president because of that. But you feigning disgust at the political games of Democrats and Republicans fighting and talking trash of one another, well, it was a little far fetched. I have heard you refer to Republicans as "them". I would prefer that you our President and leader, refer to our elected officials of both sides as "we". And stop all of the talk about Republicans saying no just to say no. Remember that Bi-partisanship is just that--Bi-partisan. Has it escaped you that the prefix Bi means two? And sticking to your guns with your healthcare bill as is and not appealing to the other side ("them") is not being bi-partisan. You can't have things all your way and then say---they aren't being bi-partisan. When you say things like "they just won't work with us", I imagine in my head both sides with their arms folded like a child's fight over who gets what toy. How about YOU sit them both down in a room and make them not come out until both sides have something to be proud about. If they are going to act like children, treat them like children.

Furthermore, you talk a nice talk. Now if you walk a nice walk--I think this country could benefit.

xoxo American citizen/Moderate Republican (considering changing to Independent) who is tired of the bull



Dear middle-aged woman at the gym with small B cup real bosoms,

You are refreshing to see in this land of silicone. Props to you my natural sista.

xoxo President of the League of small but happy chested women




Dear ticker tape that read "State colleges want more students to get diplomas",

cc: ASU's president

Here is a tip, how about not tripling tuition in the past ten years. Or maybe not growing your University to ridiculous size and spreading it out across a major metropolitan city. Or charging ridiculous amounts just to park to make up for the ridiculous sprawl.

xoxo Actual graduate who understands why some don't finish



Dear Health food correspondent,

I DO NOT like whole grain pasta. It's just not good. I eat whole wheat bread and get my whole grains there. And since I only eat Pasta once a week, I'm going to stick with my white four, enriched Barilla noodles and enjoy every last bite.

xoxo Happy eater who is not overweight, and does not have high cholesterol.