I have an issue with Modesty.
I don't think it fully applies to children.
I can hear someone reading this saying, "ahem . .. if you don't teach them as children then when will you teach them?"
Well--I think things are appropriate for different ages, and I don't want my kids thinking things too early.
I have heard my kids point people out in public and say, "SHE IS NOT MODEST". And truthfully, I am a little horrified--because I didn't teach them that--and I think they are judging those people, and that is the LAST thing I want.
I remember thinking my mother was a stickler for modesty--but now in retrospect--she was just like me--some things are driven home, while others .. . .not so much.
I was NOT allowed to wear short shorts. EVER. At least not when I was old enough for them to be considered short. If I look back at my early childhood in the late 70's early 80's--I wore short shorts--and those tank tops that had those pin tucks around the top and were super itchy--the ones with the spaghetti straps. In fact i remember being college age and seeing a picture of my friend from her childhood--and she had the same thing on--and her mother was all about Modesty.
It was fine--we were kids. So that led me to believe that the whole overboard with modesty thing kicked in sometime after my childhood.
Which is part of my point. I blogged my beliefs years ago after I read a Segullah article that i loved, but I can't find that post or I'd link it. I just remember the author saying that kids should be asexual and not worry about their bodies or images.
There should be a point in a child's life that modesty isn't a concern--being obsessed with our clothes and others shouldn't matter. You know, the less my kid thinks about her body and others bodies and who is and is not doing something wrong--then the better.
My kids wear short shorts--not gross short, but short. I don't care. They are little.
My kids wear tank tops. It's frickin' hot here--and they are kids, I think it's super cute.
But what i don't let my kids do is bare their stomach. I just think that's trashy at any age.
Well, unless you are swimming. But even then, when kids have bikinis on it weirds me out for some reason. Not the tankinis--but bikinis. ON babies it's cute because it's funny, but once they hit school age--then it starts getting weird for me. I don't know why.
So, basically I am doing what my mother did. Letting my kids be kids. And adjusting as I go. Annabelle is 9 and I'm starting to adjust for her. TAnk top dresses are just now seeming to not look right. So those are out. And when she gets boobles (you know, when their little boobies start to grow) then for sure she's done.
The reason this is on my mind is because I have to teach a lesson to the Primary kids on modesty. WHAT??? They are too little. I think. What do I tell them? Mostly--I don't want to say things because modesty isn't a black and white issue. There is not a clear list of what is right and wrong listed in the church's handbook. It is a general issue, with basic precepts, left to the parents to teach. Especially not for kids. And besides, not EVERY family believes the same thing.
I had one of my girl's friends say something to my daughter about her clothes being immodest--when she was 5. 5!!!!!!!! My kid was wearing a tank top.
Many mothers would be proud, I would be horrified. I don't want my kid telling other kids that they are doing something wrong, or unacceptable.
So I am going to tiptoe around the subject on Sunday--I actually saw on Sugardoodle that someone else didn't like this lesson either--so I'm going with her idea. The Primary manual for this lesson doesn't give specifics--it just says--teach modesty.
So I'm going to teach all of the kids that it is ok to wear tank tops until they have boobles. That's ok right?
Post note:
(I am NOT the right person to teaching this lesson, because just a few days ago I saw a picture of me in a bikini in college--and i thought "I am so glad I rocked that when i could--look at my abs" Not exactly a warrior or modesty ;)
post note of the previous post note:
My friend from the blogesphere linked me to an article she wrote--i thought it was great READ IT HERE>
13 comments:
I totally agree! I have such a hard time when people judge what other's are wearing. Mainly because I fell like I get judged a lot, and it sucks because it is generally from my judgy family members. Mind your own fricking business! My little ones wear tanks and shorts, but usually around 10 or 11 is when we get more aware of their clothing. Buffy isn't scarred for life because she wore a bikini all the time, and she knows that now she can't. Honestly, there are some bikinis out there that are more modest than one pieces. I think it is all about what shows. If you have a girl that is blessed (like me), I totally understand why my dad freaked about bikinis, and v-necks. My girls know to be respectful of others, and their choices, and they know when to put a tank on underneath a shirt, or when to add a cardi or leggings. I'm sure your girls are doing the same. I have to teach that lesson too, but luckily I have the 11 year olds so it is a little more relevant:)
Amen. ....and am I the judgy family member Kristy?
You nailed it!!!! I struggle w/Anna because she is one of those that is NOT allowed to wear shorts above her knee or tanks of any kind. She is also one that tells everyone else that they are not modest. It's so bad that I pulled down an outfit, a long shirt/dress over leggins, she ran to her room crying because she thought I was forcing her to be immodest! Really!?!
You have the right attitude. Good luck w/the lesson
I happen to think a formal dress can be modest without sleeves. But my daughter is going to the "mormon Prom" in our city next year. Will she be stoned for showing her upper arms (which, last time I checked, are not the same thing as shoulders in my book).
I wrote about this on Segullah a while ago. Not sure if it's what you're remembering.
http://segullah.org/daily-special/ill-have-a-miniskirt-with-a-side-order-of-cleavage/
Your bus story had me in tears. That is a nightmare. That is the worst feeling EVER when you don't know where your child is or who they are with.
I have struggled with the modesty issue, also. I grew up with pretty loose rules on clothing and then married into a family that is over-the-top-modest. Hard to mesh the two philosophies.
I thought modesty lessons were just for mutual age kids. Not sure what I would say to the primary on that. Good luck!
that is a HARD one. I don't have an issue with tanks and shorts on little kids either....and yeah, you know when it starts to get weird and it just doesn't look okay anymore. So sorry you have to teach this lesson too...and are you going to use the word "booble"??? I soooo wanna be there if you are! :) Such a hard subject to teach anyone about....and KIDS? um yeah. sucks!
You are right, every family teaches differently on this issue. Although, the guidelines are clear regarding modesty, regardless of the 'family rules.' With that being said, I'm more casual (sometimes), Mike is more careful with regards to what the girls are allowed to wear. I will say, that even though I let my little girl wear tank-top dresses, I do not let her wear them to church without a cardigan over her shoulders or a t-shirt underneath.
If you are uneasy about going into "wear this and don't wear that" detail, focus on the other parts of modesty: like being clean, well groomed, we reflect what we are like on the inside by how we look on the outside , etc. I need a lesson refresher like that! I haven't showered all week, uhhhh! I will be sitting in to hear (and helping out with Joe).
I have a hard time with one especially prude kid. She's always judging and being rude. I'm with ya on the tanks issue. Spaghetti straps are ok with me until they need a bra and the straps would show. Then a regular tank is ok. I have long legs. Everything is short on me and my daughter. It was hard getting called out about the length of my skirt and the prude old biddies at the stake dances saying it was too short. And I'd say," but my mom bought me this dress, I wear it to church!"
We learned last year short shorts are ok with flip flops but not with knee high boots. Or heels. Cuz that looks hooker-ish.
I rock cleavage, it's just out there and I look frumpy in clothes that cover up to my neck. People judge me. But the markings are in the right places, who is anyone to judge?
Good luck. I'm off to read that article.
I'm gonna let my daughter rock it while she can, someday she'll look like this and modesty won't be an issue, no one wants to see my arms anyway.
I hate the topic of modesty just because it seems like LDS women's favorite way to judge each other. What someone else wears has absolutely no effect on me. I don't understand why some women get so upset by what someone else is wearing.
The bottom line is you don't dress modestly for other people's sake. You do it out of respect for your body. Everyone has a different idea of what modesty is and they are going to teach their kids differently. Just because someone's definition might be more strict doesn't mean they're right, more righteous or that other people need to adhere to their personal standards.
Sinner
You did a great job on Sunday, Jill. The lesson was right on for all the little children to understand. You know, the one thing I will have to say about modesty (when I was in Young Womens, this issue came up all the time. I was tired of it all ready and didn't understand why it was so important to keep rehashing the modest clothing lesson) is that I finally understood why the way we dress is so important, well, for women. It's cause men look at everything that's uncovered! I remember sitting in church behind a great family and their daughter was wearing a short skirt with a slit up to her mid-thigh. Her legs were crossed and it was very revealing. It not only made me uncomfortable, by my husband could not look down without seeing those 17 year-old perfect legs! I can understand wearing that skirt somewhere else, but come on, at church? Yes, I judged! That girl knows better (maybe she doesn't know how her thigh-showing legs make men feel) but her parent's sure know better! What to do about it? I should have moved our family onto another row. Was I unkind to her? No. Did I say anything (until now)? No. Will I be careful (as careful and watchful as I can) with my girls? Yes. Also, I had a friend who would purposely wear tight clothes and short skirts to get men's attention (she is married with kids). Keep the faith....
I grew up wearing short shorts, bikinis, halter tops, etc.. and got married to Brant who's a stickler on modesty.. so we started teaching Tati about modesty.. and like Julia we cover up at church, but at home, it's fine.. they're half naked most of the time at home..haha. and I hope Tati wasn't the one saying your kid was immodest.. if so, let me know so I can crack down on that one! I would just maybe talk about how special our bodies are and they are sacred.. I don't know. maybe you should just say keep them private parts covered :) haha
Couldn't agree more!
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