Confession as Therapy

I have SHIT days.

Yes I swore. In fact, I swear quite often, I just never wanted to post about it in case one of my mutual girls read this. But guess what, today I don't care.

I don't drink, I don't smoke, I go to church on Sundays. I eat right, I exercise, I don't covet (very often). I've never murdered anyone. I don't steal.

So this is my sin. And honestly, an expletive now and then releases my tension. It is satisfying. (as I wrote that I started to feel guilty)

So anyhow, back to my confession,

I'm on day two of my Shit days. I woke up yesterday PISSED OFF. At anyone and anything. I thought today would be better, and it is, a little, just because I wasn't caught off guard.

I'm pissed that my kids won't eat FREAKING Oatmeal. I'm sick of trying to make them eat healthy. REally--I put sweet stuff in it--just eat the DAMN oatmeal. So today I flipped in a calm crazy sort of way. I told them they didn't have to eat oatmeal. They could eat WHATEVER THE HELL they wanted. So they ate cereal. Then I went off on a crazy rant and said, "Do you want candy for breakfast tomorrow?" Which they delightedly said "Yes!" Then I said that I would start feeding them tons of crap that would make their bodies unhealthy and they could be sick all of the time. That is when their faces drooped. I think they saw the crazy in my eyes.

Then Blondie couldn't find her shoes. She CAN NEVER find her shoes. And I in a rather calm and creepy sort of tone told her that she could wear flip flops to school (which is not allowed) and just get in trouble for it, because today I DON"T CARE. She didn't want to get in trouble. The pair she couldn't find was her back up pair. Because her real pair I went crazy on about a week ago. They are high top converse type with a zipper on the side so you don't have to tie them. Well, the zipper was stuck at the top and I tried SUPER hard to get it down with pliers. NOPE. NOTHING. For a long frustrating time. So I cut one off, right down the side of the zipper. Problem solved. Except for today, when her back up pair was missing BECAUSE SHE DIDN"T PUT THEM IN THE FREAKING SHOE BASKET. I made her put on her broken pair, then she whined about how she wouldn't be able to go on the monkey bars because it would fall off. And I said--"OK" Because I'm crazy today. Which confused her. Then she got in the car and found her shoes.

My house is dirty, and I don't care. I have three loads of laundry to fold. And I don't care. Mostly the reason for that is my Shit day #1 yesterday. Seriously, I ignored everything (well I cleaned the kitchen before breakfast). I got on the computer and redid my blog--which was theraputic. I talked to my friend on G-mail and we traded stories of irk. I let my kids watch back to back movies, and Brownie didn't get out of her pajamas until I was forced to leave the house at 2:00 for Parent Teacher conferences.

Ugh. Schools. I'm tired of thinking about schools. I've been considering switching schools, and thought I found the perfect fit, until someone told me some bad stories about it. Ugh. It did seem too good to be true. So now what? Everything is dumb and I'm done with it.

I think this was sparked by money. It usually is. We had to fix Hyrum's window on his car because it was broken. Normally I would have just ignored it but it was his driver's side window. It needs to move up and down. The others, not so much. Goodbye money that we didn't have in the first place.

Oh and I need $500 worth of dental work. It's actually $2500 worth but I have really good insurance. But still. That's $500 I don't have, but I can't put it off any longer or my teeth will get worse and it will cost me more money.

Did I forget to mention the electrical work I've been ignoring that is needed on my suburban? Yep, every once in a while, a tuft of crossed-wire sort of smoke comes out of my steering column. But it's cool. We haven't been set on fire yet.

Shit. Total Shit.

I'm sick of borrowing money from my parents. I'm turning 35. In my younger years I thought FOR DAMN SURE I wouldn't be borrowing money from my parents at this age. But here I am. How else would I get the Honda fixed, and my teeth fixed, and buy schools clothes. Isn't that what everyone does? Oh, no? Really. At least in this economy I'm not alone. So I don't feel that bad. I'm just really happy my parents lived a very responsible lifestyle and are able to do that for me. I know a lot of people in my situation who are giving money to their parents. So at least that part is not shit.

I hate debt. I wear it like a backpack. I daydream of being one of those wives that has no idea how much is in the bank account, or where any of the life insurance forms are. ***DROOOLING***** To just live in a blissful, unaware sort of world sounds just delish to me right now. I'm not that wife. I'm a bossy, controlling, very aware of every penny wife. I can tell you where EVERY PENNY of our income goes. I'm not joking. You could sit down with me and last months budget and I could tell you EVERY PENNY. Many women dream of new shoes, a purse, maybe a new car. Do you know what i want MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD? A 15 year mortgage. Seriously--I tingle with delight at the thought. Giddy. Giddy I tell you.

I'm at the end of the tunnel. Hy finishes in December and if all goes well will be hired on by the end of January. So my money woes should improve. By MULTIPLES. Money will still be stupid, I will still have debt, and our cars will still be broken down. I just hope my parents will have no part in any of that. All I can think of is how I want to start saving like my parents did--so when Brownie is 35 and her husband is in school--I can pay for her dental work. I realize that it's all in turn.

What stinks is---I think I have a better situation right now that A LOT of people. A lot of people who had better situations than me in the past. And that is just c-r-a-z-y. So I should just SHUT IT. My situation is not because my husband is lazy, it's the opposite, he wants to make more money and have us live better. He's working hard. I have an educated husband who will have job security. Boo-hoo for me. That pisses me off too. I never let myself have shit days. I've always been very aware of my blessings. So it makes it hard to whine and crab like I'm doing right now. But it happens. And I wanted everyone to know.

I have SHIT days.

Me me me

I'm a thinker, an I can't ever shut it off, and so when people aren't talking to me I'm talking to myself, and as I was washing dishes alone while Hyrum went to get Sonic ice I started thinking about random things about myself. I usually find these things interesting when they are on other people's blogs so i'm sharing

I get immense satisfaction from pulling hair out of bathtub drains with a bent paper clip

I always have to have something covering me when I sleep

Even though I'm pretty chill, I'm a worrier and I make up crazy things that might happen to me or my family

When I have the money, I can shop all day from opening to close and then start again the next day, and then do returns the next day.

I am completely fulfilled with motherhood, and I wish others could be, and I understand that some are not, and I don't judge them, I just wish they could be, because I think they wish they could be.

I judge people whose kids throw fits in public, however, I sometimes give them the benefit of the doubt that their kid may be autistic. Come on, you know you do too.

I don't take my kids into public for the aforementioned reason.

Just kidding.

I'm not on Facebook, and refuse to, because I don't want to be found.

I love drinking chocolate milkshakes my husband makes with sonic ice and a hint of Pero. (like right now, mmmm)

I'm currently getting an "F" in parenting, in the last week I've yelled at my kids to Shut up (which I don't think is right) and I've threatened to beat the #@!* out of them if they didn't stop fighting.

I'm judging myself on that one--Parenting for the past week F

Sometimes I reach my limit of being touched for the day, and when my kids are in my face and all over me I flip and do weird ticks and things.

I love 100+ degree heat outside.

I a group of friends that I think are golden, and I really don't bother making new ones, because I'm good with the ones I have.

I make friends easily.

I'm kind of like Mr. Darcy on Pride and Prejudice, "My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever."

I'm not that bad, but I don't bother keeping bad energy around.

That said, I'm also a fiercely loyal friend.

I currently have a successful basil plant in my backyard, so if you live around me, please come by and get some for your cooking.

I've decided not to worry about my weight and measurements until Fall.

I've had 4 cream cheese frosted cinnamon rolls in the last 24 hours.

It took me 3 tries to spell cinnamon correctly.

I really want to open an etsy shop.

I wish I were more spontaneous than I am.

I want to sew, but have realized that I hate sewing. It's too frustrating.

I'm bummed that only 2 people responded to my last blog post.

Oh, and as for this picture, it was taken in Utah by Josie who told me to pose like that, do my hands like that, and although you can't see it, she had me close one eye. She wanted me at my best.